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Federal Judge Rules Mail-In Voting Unconstitutional

Voting is one of our basic American rights. Traditionally, people would go to their local polling place and cast their vote in person, the way God intended. In recent years, mail-in voting has become increasingly popular. From the comforts of your mother’s basement, you may voice your opinion.

Mostly due to lazy Democrats living off of the backs and hard work of bible-reading Republicans, this type of voting is rife with fraud. Additionally, even dead people have been voting via mail-in option…for liberals, of course. It’s disgusting and completely subverts what makes America great.

Well, fear no more, patriots.

A federal judge from the 9th circuit court recently handed down a groundbreaking and logical resolution: mail-in voting is unconstitutional, specifically violating the First, Second, Seventh, Eleventh, and Thirty Seconded amendments.

Immediately Democrats filed an appeal to the decision, which was instantaneously thrown out on the grounds of wasting even more taxpayers’ money.

Our court reporter in the field and former constitutional lawyer Ruben Aguilar Esq. was able to ask the judge about his decision:

“This is a tremendous day in American history, from the standpoint of history. For years these globalists have twisted and shifted elections in their favor, but no more!

Now every American will have to take their rascal scooter down to their local auditorium, while taking a day off of being unemployed, to wait in line with hopes that they can cast a vote before the polls close. I’m getting verklmept just thinking about how beautiful that sounds.

God bless us, everyone. Besides the globalists. They can go straight to heck.”

Considering this momentous decision, this essential hands every election from here on out to Republicans, as they’re the only party in the history of American politics that has never cheated on anything, from elections to their wives to their tax returns. Indeed, this should usher in a new era of American politics where transparent honesty is at the forefront.

President Trump was to be reached for comments, but he was too busy playing golf with David Duke, a “very fine person.” A spokesperson from the White House simply replied “but her emails!” to our response for comment, which was bizarre, nonsensical, and frankly, the most patriotic thing that we’ve ever heard. Love free, America, and go out and vote!

But seriously, please vote. For the love of God, please don’t let 2016 happen again.

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